So it’s been a really long time since I posted anything on here and I’ve missed writing. Writing has a feeling of therapy to it sometimes and I’ve needed. I don’t have a lot to say really, but it seems like a lot of life has happened.
My wife and I welcomed our 4th child about 5 months ago and I started a new full time job at the same time. The combination of these 2 life changes has kept me extraordinarily busy, and a lot of things I like doing such as writing (blogs and songs), recording, playing shows and all things music related have suffered. However I don’t mind so much because I love my family. My kids and my wife bring me more joy than writing music for you all. I’m sorry but that’s just the truth.
I’ve also learned a hard lesson it feels over the last couple years. I keep waiting for this … this something… some event, some thing that’s going to happen and it’s going to blow my mind and change my life… and that “it”, whatever “it” is, just never happens. But I keep waiting for “it”. For a long time it was this idea that I was going to be discovered as a musician and that I’d be picked up and whisked away from this life I have here and I’d be a famous musician touring America spreading my music and message. While it’s not bad to want to spread the gospel through music… I wasn’t thinking about that. I was just trying to not be a victim of my circumstances. My circumstances being that I am married father of 4 with a full time job that isn’t exactly what I want to do all my life so I keep hoping for this “something” this “it”. I really feel like my waiting for this thing to come along has caused damage to the family I have. It makes them feel like they are holding me back. My wife has said as much.
Have you ever wanted something so bad that it hurt? I was telling myself that I wanted to be doing this for God, all the while I occasionally dragging my family through trials because I can’t stop whining that I don’t get to have my way. All the while, God has blessed me amazingly with beautiful kids, a beautiful wife, a job that pays the bills, and generally just way more than I could possibly deserve.
I guess I’m not sure what I’m saying here… While I am still writing music and trying to record it so that I can give it to you… It’s not my goal to write songs that will please everyone, and I am not planning on kicking them out on a regular basis. I’m not going to force anything in regards to writing / recording / performing music. I want to write songs that will be pleasing to my Heavenly Father, and I want to be a father / husband that reflects what that Heavenly Father wants for me.
I really feel like God has been telling me to let go of a lot of things lately. One of them being music. He’s not telling me to give it up… not at all, but I do feel like I need to let go of this fretting and calculating and trying as hard as I can to make something of myself. If God wants it, it will happen. In the meanwhile, live and be a witness for Him where I am.
He’s also telling me to relax in regards to how I am pursuing Him. I’ve been in this ridiculous dry spell lately in my relationship with God. It’s hard to read and be in the Word. It’s hard to spend time in thought and prayer. I just can’t seem to get my mind to go deep lately. I am too consumed with life, work, family, music… etc, etc, etc… It’s been unbelievably frustrating, and I have no idea what to do with life right now. All days seem to be filled with frustration and tension and discomfort. I want to have a that really close relationship with God, and I think He knows my heart well enough to know that I’m being honest with Him. I want that relationship, but life seems to crazy right now to achieve it. Then I hear him saying (through various friends voices) … “Relax. Slow down and live for me where you are. Stop trying so hard.”…
So anyways, all this is to say, God is good to me. He is more than I deserve. Lord help me to relax and enjoy the blessings you have given me and the place you have me at in life right now. Use me today and tomorrow and whenever and wherever you need me and move in me in a new way today Lord. Help me to reflect you to my family and to those I come in contact with. Lord use the gifts you have given me and the abilities you have blessed me with to accomplish what you want. Take my motives and desires out of it, and change them so that my only desire is to please you. I love you Lord. Give me the desire to only want you in this life, and to give you to others.
I feel like this post was kind of random and all over, but that seems to be my life right now… Thank you Lord for it.