I don’t mean to be this way. I aspire every day to be better. I like to think of myself as a loving, kind, caring person who always thinks the best of others. But then I get into conversations like the ones I’ve had lately where I openly complain or bitch about somebody else who is pissing me off. I let them get to me and all that caring and loving go right out the door.
They are the one causing all my problems. It’s their fault. They should be held responsible. I’m sick and tired of them.
Oh and tomorrow I’m going to be singing some songs and leading a community worship night to celebrate the all loving God I believe in and worship.
“Oh that I would be delivered from this body of death…” Does anyone else struggle with this inconsistency between who they think they are, and who they are in front of others when life maybe becomes a little stressful.
I’ve heard it said that when times get tough you see who people really are. I really hope that’s not true, at least of myself because if it is, I’m a jerk.
I wish I could shut myself up. I wish I could always think the best of others. I wish I was not who my mouth makes me out to be on too many occasions.
I swear too much. I drink too much occasionally. I talk behind people’s backs. I blame others instead of taking responsibility for my own actions, thoughts, and emotions. Somebody else may do something that I don’t like, but I can’t seem to capture my emotions and understand that I am still responsible for how I respond to them.
All the while, I have people looking at me as some sort of leader in what it means to love others… Are you friggin kidding me? Find another example folks. Don’t follow me.
I swear I am trying to love God and to love my neighbor. I promise you I am trying to do that. I haven’t figured out how, but maybe someday by the grace of God I will have it.
Until that grand and glorious day, please understand I am as broken as anyone else. I don’t mean to swear so much, or drink that third glass of whiskey, or think and talk poorly of others, but I still do it. Maybe that is the real me coming thru, maybe not. I am more inclined to believe it is the false me talking way louder and being the typical jerk he can be. A selfish, egotistical, narcicist with little concern for the hearts of others. The real me is buried underneath of that whispering in my ear about how that person I am mad at is just as broken as I am and deserves the same exact grace, mercy, and love I would want to have extended to me, because it has in fact been extended.
It is mine, and it is theirs. Love, mercy, grace, compassion, forgiveness. All there for us all. Even me. God have mercy on me. I know not what I am doing. I want to be who you want me to be, and I believe you have me on that path even if the progress is sometimes slow. Two steps forward, one step back. Patience Lord. Not that I need it from you because I believe I have it. Help me to have patience for myself and for others…
And as I wait… be honored by the best parts of me.